i thought about this other post while i writing my previous post and it really dawned on me that i should probably write about it before it’s in the back of my mind and i can’t think of things that came to me so clearly when i first thought about this. i was thinking about flirtation. everyone has done some form of it in their lifetime. whether you’re single or not. you’ve flirted with guys, girls, whoever. anyone who you find slightly attractive that you engage in a conversation with will probably find you flirting with them at some point in the time you spend together. but my problem with flirtation is when has it gone too far. i mean anyone who is single can flirt till their blue in the face. that doesn’t bother me and never will. but what if you arn’t single and you flirt with someone who isn’t your significant other. i know it’s human nature to flirt and to be friendly to people who are friendly to you and that you find attractive either in appearance or intellect or whatever. but my question is when does flirting go too far. i know i’ve dealt with flirting with other girls while i’ve been in a relationship but i knew where to stop. where to draw the line and say okay okay thats enough, i have a amazing girlfriend/boyfriend who would be devastated if i went any farther than this. flirtation is very hard to control because you’re tittering on that line of infidelity. you’re basically saying i’ll talk the talk but won’t walk the walk….. or will i? that’s where it gets dicey. how far can someone take flirting before you’ve started something you’ve lost control over and where you actually have feelings for this person now or you’ve led them on so much that they think you want to be with them. or in the worst case lost control over the situation so much that you cheat on your significant other. many people love to start up flirty fun friendships with people they meet while their in a relationship with another person. i mean i’ll admit it. i’ve done it. but i always knew where to stop it. i always knew when to end it and usually it ended cold turkey. i feel that men have more  control over these flirty friendships because men usually make the first move and dictate the pace flirtation and where it will go. so being a girl in this situation must be even more tough because if you’re actually interested in this other person but don’t want to go too far, you’re basically fucked because they can just keep persuading you and you’ll really have no backbone because you’re interested and will feel like you need to comply. not saying that’s true for everyone but i feel like most girls would just keep going with it. these flirty friendships are fun, exciting, new, and the best part…. “a secret”   no one ever knows about them besides you and the other person and maybe one good friend of yours. so you know you can do or say whatever you please and there will be no consequence besides the one you have to live with in your head. i’m not saying these flirty friendships are awful things. in fact, they’re sometimes good because they can potentially help you realize that you need to stop being flirty and be a better girlfriend or boyfriend and that this behavior isn’t acceptable if you have a significant other who loves you dearly. but they also can turn for the worst and ruin a relationship completely. they could lead you to be having a so called “double life” where its almost like you have 2 significant others and that is just plain out of control and wrong. this is why flirtation is like a tight-rope. if you can balance it and not fall off then you’ll do alright but if you let it get out of control then you’ll fall off. or you can do what a “good” boyfriend/girlfriend should do and not even get on that tightrope. 

as i sit here in my 3 month old apt. i notice i can’t win any money on these bingo scratch tickets that i enjoy playing so much. no one reads this blog anymore so it will be nice knowing that i won’t have to write for someone i used to obsess over. i guess i’m writing for a different reason nowadays. to fulfill myself really. i noticed all of my older posts from last summer and it really makes me laugh to see how skewed and fixated my mind was on this person i was trying to impress who really did not care about me anywhere close to how much i cared about her. my mind and my heart are in a much different place now. it’s crazy to think back on where i am now and where i was last year or the year before. when you’re in your 20’s everything is changing so much that you almost are like woah woah slow down here. but then when it slows down you’re like no no i want change again. it really is such a complicated decade for humans. you’re basically building your life in your 20’s or at least that’s the way i look at it. you’re trying to set all the pieces up so that your 30’s and 40’s and so on arn’t these foolish years of your life where you’re single, working at some place that pays you enough to get by and wondering where you went wrong. the 20’s really have to be the toughest time in a humans life. i should rephrase that, the 20’s really have to be the toughest time in an american’s life. in america, society puts so much pressure on people to live a certain way or they are looked down upon. to grow up,find a successful job, start a family, have children, teach your children the way you were taught and so on. so when you’re at that point in your 20’s say 23,24,25, or 26. there is so much underlying pressure on you from every which way telling you make the best decision. and i feel like this pressure is definitely present in my life. living in an apt. with a steady girlfriend at the age of 23/24 portraits my future to look like the typical american dream/family and that scares the fuck out of me. it probably scares the fuck out of many people my age. when you think about that at 23, especially me, you think to yourself i can’t settle down now. i’m too young, i have more life to live, i have more people to meet and more things to do before i even think about marriage or kids. 

so what do you do when these realizations happen? what do you do when you want to have fun but still want to have a successful future. how do you find balance?

this is something people my age stuggle with everyday. 

I accept full responsibility for all the wrong i’ve done.

i like my girlfriend so much.

i don’t know why i make the decisions i make sometimes.

i need to grow up.

i wish she would read this and smile cuz her smile

could go for miles n miles

not many can walk away from something they did and be

completely fulfilled and know they gave every once of life

they had in themselves to what they were trying to accomplish.

i did.

z: What you doing?

r: Listening. Your heart singing?

z: It is not.

r: Just beating like a drum. Let’s kiss again.

1st rule: Never let them change you.

Rule 2: Do you. to the fullest. and never be ashamed too.

you’re just good at what they can’t do.

and they hate that, they want to paint you.

and what they don’t accept and what they don’t see

the best thing is what you already be!

there is no such thing as summer, just life baby, just life.

why did i wait till tonight to go there?

here’s some add vice.

when someone starts liking you

and you start liking them. don’t

change the way you are. don’t

start liking the things they like just

because you like them as a person. because you

really don’t like those things. and also

don’t start acting like them either. because

that isn’t who you are. many people do this.

and it’s awful, it’s annoying, and it’s like watching

two identical human beings. clones.